©Stuart Bush, No exit, pen on paper 43 x 61 cm
Often when I turn on the shower and step in, I turn on a shower of thoughts. I’m not sure why it happens in the shower, but I think it is a favourable place to be flooded with thoughts and ideas. My mind also, unfortunately, wanders when I am painting. Over time, I have realised I have become a professional daydreamer. This is the wrong time and the wrong place to be imagining the future. I feel the need to gain some self-mastery of my busy creative mind.
I used to think dreaming about the future was my reward for taking on an almost impossible creative challenge. At times, I have imagined having the ideal artist studio, making sublime artwork, relaxing and enjoying the lifestyle of being someone successful. I have learnt from thinking like this that happiness will always be a reward in the future.
The problem with allowing myself to think about a variety of things other than the task that is in front of me is that I am not as productive as I need to be. I lose focus on what I am doing and why I am doing it. This leads me to the questions, what is it I am trying to achieve? It is a feeling of floating down the middle of a fast-flowing river hoping to swim to a bank at some point.
I have become aware that if I am lucky enough to achieve what I want in the future, and I get there while being a daydreamer (which I now think is highly unlikely). I will always be programmed to look to the future for a sense of fulfilment.
This realisation has happened after reading quotes like, “when your fulfilment and sense of self are no longer dependent on the future outcome, joy flows into whatever you do.” From ‘The Power of Now’ by Eckhart Tolle.
I need to control my daydreaming or I will never appreciate what I achieve. It is important to realise I very fortunate in many ways. I should be grateful and enjoy this time in my life. It is the process and journey that is important, not some dream about the future.